Adventures in Lazy Pizza Making

This is an adventure in making a homemade pizza. It is exciting. Really exciting. I promise. Ok. It's not exciting.

Homemade pizza:

• Kroger Pizza Dough Mix
  
• Garlic Powder
  
• Grated Parmesan Flavor Veggie Topping
  
• Hot Tap Water
  
• Canned Spinach
  
• Canned Tomatoes
  
• Canned Sardines
  
• Shredded Cheddar Cheese
  
• Old World Style Ragu Traditional Pasta Sauce
  

The Process

1. I poured the packet of pizza crust mix into my favorite mixing bowl. One of my best friends, Jess, once left it at my old apartment after a pot luck. It is metal and has measurement lines inside and outside. Apparently she used it for her clay work before it became a part of her kitchen arsenal, but after it had been in my home for a while, she told me that I could keep it.
   I then poured in an inestimable amount of garlic powder and fake Parmesan cheese. I added more of the Parm than usual because I was feeling rather adventurous.
   
2. I mixed up the dry ingredients and then added ½ cup of hot tap water. I began to mix it all up and realized that, as usual, it was not enough water. I poured in a bit more water. Of course. It was too much water. Normally when this happens I will throw in some flour but I was already hungry as I had just walked 2 miles in the hot sun (and cool breeze, I admit) in flats with soles so thin that I felt barefoot, except for the fact that the flats were also a bit too large, forcing me to expend a lot of energy ensuring that they remained on my feet.
   
3. I formed the overly wet dough into a ball, coated it with olive oil, covered the bowl with plastic wrap, and set it on the eye of my stove for 5 minutes.
   
4. While the dough was sitting, I set about opening the cans of spinach and tomatoes. I prefer fresh produce but find frozen and canned produce to be a much more prudent investment. For some reason, it was difficult to drain the tomatoes. I shake my fist at them!
   
5. After 5 minutes, I sprayed my hands with olive oil cooking spray and pressed the dough into the pre-greased pan. Exciting. It was at this point that I decided, "Yes! I will use sardines!"
   
6. I was too lazy and hungry to make my own pizza sauce, so I spooned the pasta sauce on the dough until it looked enough like pizza sauce to please me.
   
7. I used a fork to spread out some tomatoes and spinach on top of the sauce. It was lovely. You should've been there.
   
8. I then opened the can of sardines. Have you ever seen a can of sardines? It's enough to make you go vegetarian. It's been maybe a month since I last opened a can of sardines. Prior to that, I had only seen the contents of a can of sardines once. They weren't really a part of my childhood. What I had forgotten in that month is that the fish in the can aren't deboned. After dealing with 3 fish spines, I decided that the pizza didn't need a lot of sardines. Most of them went into the trash which will obviously have to be taken out first thing in the morning before my tiny, tiny apartment begins to smell like South Street Seaport used to smell back when the fish market was there.
   As I was adding the sardines, I thought of those who insist that toppings belong on top of the cheese. This is how most pizzas are made. I pondered reasons why this must be so but decided that I don't care. I like my toppings to be beneath the cheese. It's easier to eat that way. That's good enough for me.
   
9. I wiped my hands of fish juice and spines and pulled out the shredded cheese which I sprinkled generously on top.
   
10. At this point, I looked around my tiny kitchen and decided that the responsible thing to do would be to clean up immediately. I put the remaining tomatoes and spinach in plastic containers to be used in quiche later this week. I ignored the bowl. I set the timer on the microwave for 10 minutes. I realized I hadn't actually put the pizza in the oven.
    
11. I put the pizza in the oven.
    
12. After the timer went off, I continued about my business for a bit before going in the kitchen and setting it for two more minutes. The soggy crust would need more time to cook, I knew.
    
13. After two additional minutes, I took the pizza out of the oven. The cheese was a bit browner than it should be but it was, fortunately, not burnt.

The Eating

I cut the pizza into 4 slices and placed a slice on a plate. (It's a small pizza! I wasn't being a pig!) I was pleased to see that the cheese cut smoothly and that the toppings didn't all fall out into the pan. I hate losing toppings.
I poured some more imitation Parm on top as well as some red pepper flakes. I grabbed the knife I had used to cut the pizza and a newly cleaned fork and ventured back to my desk.
I cut off a corner slice and eagerly put it into my mouth. It was...bland. A sense of disappointment began to settle into my belly as I got a mouthful of too-doughy dough and flavorless tomato and spinach. I took a second bite to find it equally uninspiring. As usual, I saved the best (the crust) for last. I cut into it and put it into my mouth, hoping to be pleased with the cheesy and garlicy flavor. Yeah, I didn't taste it.
I finished up the slice. It wasn't bad. It just wasn't as good as my pizzas usually are. I put a lid on the remaining pizza and put it in the fridge, in hopes that the leftovers would be better. Leftovers sometimes have this magical ability of being a vast improvement over the fresh product. And while I did have a second slice hours later, it was only slightly better. I still have hope that tomorrow...tomorrow it will be epic in its deliciousness.